how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
