woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
