Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
