It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
