I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
