I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
