she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
