i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
