I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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