last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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