seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
