I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
