You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
