cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
