I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
