so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
