next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
