tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
