O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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