Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
