i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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