I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
