I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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