I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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