I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
