she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
