i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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