respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
