tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
