i think my mom watched the whole time
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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