Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
