how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
