she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
