I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
