I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
