I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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