So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
