people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
