so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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