I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
