sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
