You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You need Xanax blowdarts
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
