i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
