i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
