i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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