Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
