I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
