Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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