When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
