were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so let's talk penis.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
