you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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