Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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