Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
